Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
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Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Oh we’ve met.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
584.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks