If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
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pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.