Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
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[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
me after drinking all the wine:
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.