The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
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Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.