“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
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MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”