My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
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I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
SPLOOT
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything