im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
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It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
shampoo implies shampee
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.