My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
You Might Also Like
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Worst Native American name ever.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.