Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Awwwww shit.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.