Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
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I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I only eat vegetarians.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.