To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
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Dance like you’re not the father
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.