if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
You Might Also Like
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no