I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know