me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
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Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Thursday Thought.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.