Eating wings is the opposite of flying
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Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Squirrels before girls.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.