date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
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I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person