My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
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My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs