Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
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As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.