[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
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The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats