Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
You Might Also Like
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
where do you see yourself in five years?
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah