When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
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Meowchelangelo
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Me buying fruit and veg
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.