we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
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New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!