So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
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Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
#inspiration #foodforthought
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women