Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
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Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Candles never taste the way they smell
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose