Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Duck typos.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.