DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
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(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops