I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
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Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*