I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
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me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
ready to be harvested
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?