My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
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This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
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[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist