That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
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Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Time heals everything 🙂
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up