I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
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is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.