when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.