Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
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well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
SPLOOT