all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
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I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up