My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
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2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG