What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
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My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.