me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
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We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Facebook memories be like
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.