I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
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My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
accurate
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.