Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
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Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.