Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
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I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Note to self: always read the final line
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma