ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
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Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back