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reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …