Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
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Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.