my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
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God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Wikigenius
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*