About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
two people or more is called a problem
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
My blood type is coffee.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Said the murderer.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.