Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
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I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.