You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
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impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
happy birthday to me. i am 25.