watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Proofread twice, hang posters once
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
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My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
first you must answer his riddles
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.