ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
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Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.