I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
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person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent